How to Win (Connection With) Friends

It’s so hard to ever feel “caught up” with friends.

You know how you meet up with friends you haven’t seen in awhile, and you spend the first hour (at least 75% of the total time, whatever it is) catching up on events or following up on posts you saw on social media?
You go over what happened over Christmas, how the move went, what sports the kids are playing and the vacation to Mexico.

After you cover all that you have a little bit of time to stumble onto something a little more… I hate to say “real,” because it’s all real...But you know what I’m saying: REAL.

You can feel it click in, sometimes it feels like a wall just fell down right before your eyes and your friend, the real woman inside the busy body chasing kids or putting on her social face, shows up in a flash. It’s no longer a travelogue or an event list, it’s HER.

I have a theory I have yet to try: I want to have each member of a dinner party fill out a bulleted list of events and outcomes, prior to dinner.

—Joey was potty trained, It was crazy but we made it through and now we never think about it.
—I got the job and that was a relief. That event is no longer top of mind.
—Phil finished designing the remodel of our home. It’s a big job but since we don’t start for another year, it’s not something I’m dealing with right now.

…And so forth. Significant things, but not really soul things. Resolved things. Everyone reads these emails before showing up for dinner, and then we don’t discuss them at dinner. Even if something seems minor but the person wants to discuss it, it doesn’t go on the list. The point is, focusing on what does matter to each person rather than what seems to matter.

Do you know how many times I ask my friends “how that went” and it’s like they have to go back and think about it because it’s no longer life?

Or how many times I go back to tell about an event that was a big deal at the time, that seems like I should share, but by now I’ve told so many times it feels like reciting the text from an Instagram post? I’m not into it, but we talk about it because it feels weird to gloss over if it had been a significant event. Our minds are so linear we don’t allow for gaps in the story.

But do we really care? Is hearing the details of the fender bender of last month what friendship is made of?

Do you feel more connected to your friend after discussing these bullet points than you did before?

To continue my test, I would bring a stack of question cards that guide the whole thing. They would be based on what actually happens in a conversation to trigger the friends lighting up:

It’s when we say, What are you into NOW?
-What are you worried about right now?”
-How are you feeling about your relationship with your oldest daughter?
-What is your biggest goal for the next 6 months?
-What has your gospel study been centered on? What have you been learning?
-What’s the best thing you’ve read in the last 3 months, and why did it impact you?
-What’s the best conversation you’ve had with a close friend/family member lately- what was the main takeaway for you?
-What has been your biggest success at work the last 3 months? Your biggest failure?
-What are you listening to? Who is your favorite stand-up comedian/musician/podcaster?
-What is your brightest memory of the two of us?
-How has your relationship with your spouse changed for the better since you got married?
-What would you do differently in your life if you could change one choice from ages 20-25?

In other words, “What’s really going on?!” It seems like this would help to learn things about old friends you thought you knew so much about, but you find your info has grown stale. It should also help spark interest in new things.

If there’s other day-to-day stuff you want to hear about, ask about it! But could it be covered just as easily in a text conversation afterward? When perhaps the seemingly pointless but fun to discuss in person could take center stage while everyone is in the same room?

If you’re anything like me, these meet ups with friends don’t happen often enough, so it always surprises me that when they do, we spend most of the time talking about stuff that could be covered in an email, until the good stuff shows up in the last 45 minutes when time is crunched.

And if you’re anything like me, you love all time spent with your friends, but the stuff you remember happens after the warm up, when the walls of distance and time have melted away, and you can really see each other’s hearts rather than each other’s day planners.

For Good Men Trying to be Better

To the good men reading: I love you. I really do. None of the men in my life deserve to be talked to like they’re a rapist or potential rapist. They are not responsible for the poor choices of another, and I don’t intend to treat them, or you, that way.

So please, stay with me guys. I’ve written this with my sons in mind and from a perspective built on years experiencing vastly different socio-political settings, seeing the virtues of both.

Girl, Get Your Testimony Back

Culturally, we have sent a message that a person is not of complete value until they are married. Which naturally leads to the belief that if one loses that value through loss of the marriage, they are less-than. They aren't a "full" member, and by extension, a “complete” daughter of God.

Should I Change For Love?

I would like to be able to say that I never again did something dumb to win another’s approval, but I can’t. What I’ve hopefully done is made it to a place where I am trying to win the right people’s approval, for the right reasons, and in the right ways.

What kind of Mormon are you? (And why that's a dumb question)

When I wrote “My Lifelong Wrestle With Mormonism,” up to that time I had been writing for an audience made up of my friends, my parents, and nine and a half “extended friends”, give or take.

How to Grow Your Perspective

How many times did you argue against the very side you are now on, swearing up and down that you would “never” think like “them”? “Them” being your parents, your teacher, your neighbor, your religious leader, your coach?

It's My Depression and I'll Write if I Want To

In college, I studied behavioral science which covers psychology as the central science. I could list the symptoms of depression off the top of my head.

And yet, the signs escaped me when they were mine.

No Offense: Why Meekness Matters

~~This one is for my baby son. He never meant us any harm~~I’ve allowed myself to be offended at every level, and from every level of intent from mistaken to purposeful...

To Those Who Wait

...it’s easy to feel like your worth as a person, male or female, is inextricably tied to your relationship status. It’s not. But marriage is something that a lot of us desire, since a large component of the Gospel is finding joy through family relationships. However...

I Dreamt You

I didn’t take my native culture to New York with me. I had always been dead-set on marrying later, having children later, and having them because I wanted them, not because of any social, religious, or cultural pressure. That’s how I went into it, but nothing could have prepared me for the depth of feeling I would develop for the children I lived with, loved, and nurtured over the next few years. It was as close to motherhood as I would come for almost a decade.

Valentine's Day Confessions

The truth is, I haven’t told a single soul this story, not in much detail anyway, and not ever free of half-truths. My closest friends don't know the truth; even my parents aren't aware of the saga. I'm sorry, everyone. My husband, on the other hand, has chuckled with friends about this now infamous night in our marriage because unlike me, he is comfortable making light of his follies.

Paying the Price

Today, my testimony is my most precious possession. I would not be living a wholehearted life without it, and things in the day-to-day would be incredibly different.

My testimony is only so valuable to me now because I earned it.

A Soft Place to Land

Just be kind.

I’ll probably lose some of you here. But that’s because it seems so obvious that it is brushed over almost chronically to the demise of many could-be-great relationships.