But I wanted *different* hard times

I think before I got married, and even as I am married, I have a different image of what “hard times” means. It’s like, I’m ok with hard times, but I want different hard times. Maybe instead of Wal-Mart hard times, I want Target ones. Just a little… cuter.

“Of course every marriage is going to have hard times! I’ll know them when I see them! I’ll set aside lots of time to be there for my spouse during this hard time. I’ll make sure he/she knows I’m there for him/her. We will turn our focus inward and it will be us against the world- taking on any challenge, hand-in-hand.”

But what if you don’t know it when you see it? What if it looks awfully like a couple of sub-par weeks, with your wife a little less talkative than normal? What if for all you know, your husband is just feeling a little under the weather and everything will look up after your weekend getaway?

Depression, illness, infidelity, job loss, family planning difficulties, “mid-life crises,” and an array of other “hard things” often initially masquerade as regular ol’ days in the life of a couple. I have found myself vigilantly standing guard against say, disconnection through lack of time together, while through the basement window, personal fulfillment was sneaking out.

Sometimes I think I’d handle a hard time better if someone came up to me and said, “This is that hard thing you will look back on and care about how you responded to it.” I like to imagine that I would say, “Ok! Let me buckle up. I will put everything aside and focus. I’m gonna crush this trial.”

Instead, the problem has been going on for weeks and I’m just now catching on, and then I catch on and don’t realize it’s as big as it is, and my “supportive wife” status has already taken a big hit. I haven’t been supportive, because I didn’t realize we were in the middle of one of those times! I thought it would look different than this, more dramatic maybe? More Oprah-worthy? I didn’t think it would come in this mundane package…

It has been helpful to say this to myself, “This is a hard time. It’s happening now. This is one of those moments that years from now, my husband will say, ‘the only way I got through that time was because of the amazing support and wisdom of my beautiful wife.” This is IT!

When I say I am ready to take on challenges, this is my chance! Maybe it’s on the junior high drama stage and not a blockbuster movie screen, but this is my big break!

That’s the point of hard times. They are hard, but they are also confusing, complex, and full of highs and lows throughout. To further complicate things, it’s even possible to feel joy during a hard time.

I’ve decided it doesn’t hurt to always assume that any struggle within your marriage is a “big deal,” as long as your commitment to handling “big deals” has always been to step up and handle them with optimism and grace. Putting everything else aside for a time while your spouse navigates something hard, committing to being a soft place to land and an empathetic presence is something no one ever regrets once the hard turns easy.

For Good Men Trying to be Better

To the good men reading: I love you. I really do. None of the men in my life deserve to be talked to like they’re a rapist or potential rapist. They are not responsible for the poor choices of another, and I don’t intend to treat them, or you, that way.

So please, stay with me guys. I’ve written this with my sons in mind and from a perspective built on years experiencing vastly different socio-political settings, seeing the virtues of both.

Girl, Get Your Testimony Back

Culturally, we have sent a message that a person is not of complete value until they are married. Which naturally leads to the belief that if one loses that value through loss of the marriage, they are less-than. They aren't a "full" member, and by extension, a “complete” daughter of God.

Should I Change For Love?

I would like to be able to say that I never again did something dumb to win another’s approval, but I can’t. What I’ve hopefully done is made it to a place where I am trying to win the right people’s approval, for the right reasons, and in the right ways.

What kind of Mormon are you? (And why that's a dumb question)

When I wrote “My Lifelong Wrestle With Mormonism,” up to that time I had been writing for an audience made up of my friends, my parents, and nine and a half “extended friends”, give or take.

How to Grow Your Perspective

How many times did you argue against the very side you are now on, swearing up and down that you would “never” think like “them”? “Them” being your parents, your teacher, your neighbor, your religious leader, your coach?

It's My Depression and I'll Write if I Want To

In college, I studied behavioral science which covers psychology as the central science. I could list the symptoms of depression off the top of my head.

And yet, the signs escaped me when they were mine.

No Offense: Why Meekness Matters

~~This one is for my baby son. He never meant us any harm~~I’ve allowed myself to be offended at every level, and from every level of intent from mistaken to purposeful...

To Those Who Wait

...it’s easy to feel like your worth as a person, male or female, is inextricably tied to your relationship status. It’s not. But marriage is something that a lot of us desire, since a large component of the Gospel is finding joy through family relationships. However...

I Dreamt You

I didn’t take my native culture to New York with me. I had always been dead-set on marrying later, having children later, and having them because I wanted them, not because of any social, religious, or cultural pressure. That’s how I went into it, but nothing could have prepared me for the depth of feeling I would develop for the children I lived with, loved, and nurtured over the next few years. It was as close to motherhood as I would come for almost a decade.

Valentine's Day Confessions

The truth is, I haven’t told a single soul this story, not in much detail anyway, and not ever free of half-truths. My closest friends don't know the truth; even my parents aren't aware of the saga. I'm sorry, everyone. My husband, on the other hand, has chuckled with friends about this now infamous night in our marriage because unlike me, he is comfortable making light of his follies.

Paying the Price

Today, my testimony is my most precious possession. I would not be living a wholehearted life without it, and things in the day-to-day would be incredibly different.

My testimony is only so valuable to me now because I earned it.

A Soft Place to Land

Just be kind.

I’ll probably lose some of you here. But that’s because it seems so obvious that it is brushed over almost chronically to the demise of many could-be-great relationships.