Unused Creativity is Not Benign

“Unused creativity is not benign. It metastasizes and turns into grief and shame and judgement and hard things. Because someone did not put value on our work, does not change the worthiness of that work or us. So the stories we make up about our creativity are very dangerous.” -Brene Brown in Rising Strong as a Spiritual Practice

Unused creativity is not benign

Maybe that week of irritability had nothing to do with PMS, maybe that month of feeling empty wasn’t clinical depression. Maybe that mini identity crisis and sudden impulse to reevaluate everything in life wasn’t… insanity.

Maybe, it had been too long since I did nothing deemed “productive.” Maybe, when weighed against this appointment and that ‘necessary’ reorganization of every closet, the little ol’ art project could barely stay on the scale. Maybe, I forgot that creating isn’t a hobby. It’s human; it’s life.

“...It metastasizes and turns into grief and shame…”

Grief? Choosing dishes over photography can cause me GRIEF? Wha...how?

Her research shows that there are three things inherent to humans that can not be changed, tampered with, or lost:

We are inherently loveable
We are inherently Divine
We are inherently creative

Would removing a third of my insides cause me a little grief? Likely.

Shame?

So you mean to tell me that the span of 3 days where I felt like I should create a little cave for myself and stay in it until everyone forgot about me, could have something to do with the fact that I essentially quit doing 99% of the things that filled me up in an unalterable way? Yet still, I was certain that I had fallen down the shame spiral simply because I hadn’t been accomplishing enough in “key” areas of life. In fact, all of my keys were missing.

If I am inherently creative, my body, my heart, my mind have an actual NEED to make new things that didn’t exist before I got there. When I do that, even if it never sees the light of day- especially if it doesn’t see the light of day-- I am reminding myself of my divinity and my loveability. When I feel loveable, I feel a greater desire to create. When I am clear on my Divine nature, it’s nearly impossible to believe the lie of being unloveable.

Inherent: existing in something as a permanent, essential, or characteristic attribute.

Divine

Loveable

Creative

When you go to create and then don’t, what stops you?

When it comes to writing for public consumption, I realized the only thing that stops me is whether or not I have courage that day.

My skills stay the same. My desire to share is the same. The fulfillment I get from getting what’s inside put on the outside is the same.

The only difference is that on one day I care a lot about what you’ll think, and on another day I don’t. The day I don’t is the day I create. It’s just courage. It’s just how many craps I give, really.

Why would I weigh those days differently? Why when I don’t feel brave enough, do I not say, “There is another version of you who gives no craps (for the wrong audience). She could show up tomorrow! Might as well just welcome her in today and just write the damn thing.”

When I watch a standup comedian, I think about the number of times that person heard crickets after they told a joke in order for them to be standing in front of me that day- especially if they’re on TV.

Those comedians give me guts. I don’t want people to tell me I can do it, I should do it, to just do it.

I need people to do it. Show me how it’s done. Show me how you can give no craps, or, how to give some but still show up. Because somewhere along the line of the last few years, my creativity and my courage left me in the hands of productivity and practicality, and the results are in. Increased self-judgement, increased shame in the form of self-doubt, and grief over the countless works of art that will never see the light of day.

It is no wonder that in the LDS faith, the belief is that Satan’s first order of business was to take away our essential individuality, crushing our ability to create. Look what it can do to our hearts.

Divinity=Creation=Loveability

“Don’t talk, just act. Don’t say, just show. Don’t promise, just prove.” —The Internet

And the Internet is never wrong.

For Good Men Trying to be Better

To the good men reading: I love you. I really do. None of the men in my life deserve to be talked to like they’re a rapist or potential rapist. They are not responsible for the poor choices of another, and I don’t intend to treat them, or you, that way.

So please, stay with me guys. I’ve written this with my sons in mind and from a perspective built on years experiencing vastly different socio-political settings, seeing the virtues of both.

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And yet, the signs escaped me when they were mine.

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The truth is, I haven’t told a single soul this story, not in much detail anyway, and not ever free of half-truths. My closest friends don't know the truth; even my parents aren't aware of the saga. I'm sorry, everyone. My husband, on the other hand, has chuckled with friends about this now infamous night in our marriage because unlike me, he is comfortable making light of his follies.

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Today, my testimony is my most precious possession. I would not be living a wholehearted life without it, and things in the day-to-day would be incredibly different.

My testimony is only so valuable to me now because I earned it.

A Soft Place to Land

Just be kind.

I’ll probably lose some of you here. But that’s because it seems so obvious that it is brushed over almost chronically to the demise of many could-be-great relationships.